Monday, May 16, 2011


Consolidation. According to Merriam-Webster, consolidation means “the process of uniting : the quality or state of being united; specifically : the unification of two or more identities by dissolution of existing ones and creation of a single new entity.”

We have consolidated here at Affaircare! For years now we have had a website AND a blog, and this weekend we decided to move forward with consolidating the two identities onto one site. Along with consolidating the two locations, we also thought it would be fun to update them both into a newer look that focuses on our nouthetic, Christian counsel. So welcome to the all new, consolidated AFFAIRCARE website and blog!

On the front page here you’ll see the blog with thoughts about infidelity in current events, current studies or news reports about adultery, and on the occasion personal sharing from our own marriage. Up at the top you’ll see the pages for our website. Please click on the page tabs for our articles, our quizzes, or how to contact us.  From this point forward, we will not be posting here any longer but at our new

* ~ * Welcome to the all new Affaircare! * ~ *

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Little Sin. Big Sin.

When you think about "sin" do you tend to think of it in terms of "little sin" and "big sin"?  Do you think of it as if God is going to have this cosmic scale, and He's going to put your good stuff on the "good side" and your bad stuff on the "bad side" and whichever side weighs more that's where you'll be heading?  Do you envision the scale, and some sins are HUGE WEIGHTS on the bad side...and others are on the bad side but more like a skinny piece of paper?   I think people sometimes think of it as though some sins carry more weight and are "bigger" and some sins are pretty light and kind of little.  For example a "little white lie" isn't really all THAT bad.  After all it's not an outright lie--it's just misleading or omitting part and the rest is actually true or thinking of the other person's feelings and protecting them with a little dishonesty. Oh it's not entirely right, because it's a little bit dishonest, but it's not "wrong."  That can't be all THAT bad can it?  On the other hand there are some sins that people generally think of as big ones: murdering, raping, adultery--those are all clearly wrong and on the bad side of the scale, those sins would be BIG and really tip the scale!  

Did you ever notice that the sins that you do are probably the ones you think of as "smaller," and the ones that other people do are "bigger"?  Sure you swear a little--maybe drink on weekends--look at the occasional x-rated pic--even lie a little tiny bit so your spouse's feelings aren't hurt.  But all-in-all you still think of yourself as a pretty decent person, and you may look at a person in jail for murder or even at your disloyal spouse and think to yourself, "Oh sure I'm not perfect but I would NEVER (fill in the blank here)."  On the other hand the sins of other people are ENORMOUS!!   The lady at church who gossips about your personal business--that's a huge, unforgivable sin.  The guy at work who cheats on his job, steals from the company and gets caught--that's big sin!    

When it comes to infidelity, loyals very often look at their disloyal and think that the sin of adultery is a HUGE sin but barely even think about their own.  If they even did something to contribute, it was little and not anywhere near as big as adultery!   This week, though, a person I know and consider highly on another forum reminded me that sin is sin is sin.  God has set a high and holy standard of righteousness and Romans 3:23 tells us that "...all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God."  God demands perfection, and not only does he demand outward perfection but also INWARD--in the heart and mind.  "In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness."  (Matt. 23:28)   The person on the other forum had a spouse who was actively committing adultery but who refused to repent, but prior to the spouse's departure, this person had fairly regularly looked at porn.  Since the spouse's affair, the person had stopped viewing porn in all forms, but as we all so frequently do, had thought "Well sure I wasn't perfect but looking is not the same as doing!  It's small.  But actually COMMITTING adultery..well that's a big sin! Huge!"  

In Matthew 5: 17-19 Jesus is talking to his disciples and asks them: "Don’t you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body? But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them. For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander."  He is telling them that our actions outwardly are a result of/linked to our inner condition--our heart.  When our heart looks at things selfishly, with lust, desiring it for ourselves and in an immoral way...that is the condition of our inner self and that is sin. We've all heard the verse that's part of the Sermon on the Mount:  “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ( Matt. 5:27)  Again here, Jesus is telling us that sin is not only what we do OUTSIDE in our actions, but also INSIDE in our inner mind.  What we think about is what we talk about and what we eventually DO.  

As Christians, we are not to try to stay away from "big sin" or to keep our sin small enough that it is hidden or just inside our thoughts.  We were in the sea of sin and we drowned in it and we were DEAD, but Christ rescued us from that death and breathed into us new life.  We are not supposed to wash the outside of the cup while the inside remains filthy (Matt 23:25-26). Rather than looking at the sins of others and thinking about how their sin was so big but ours was (relatively) small, let's clean even our insides and our inner selves by renewing our mind. (Romans 12:2)  If you are the disloyal spouse, don't be so prideful that you avoid seeing how dishonest, distrustful and hurtful your affair really was to your loyal.  Don't minimize it and maximize what they did--look to yourself!  Be honest--it was sin, it displeased God and hurt your spouse and almost destroyed your family!  If you are the loyal spouse, don't think of how "small" your sin was in your marriage before the affair.  There were issues.  They harmed you, harmed your marriage, and MOST IMPORTANTLY harmed your relationship with God!  Both disloyal and loyal need to keep the focus on obeying God and pleasing Him inside and out...not the the "size" of what you did wrong.  

Sunday, April 24, 2011


Today is Easter Sunday so it's a perfect day to consider the idea of resurrection, especially when you are thinking about trying to resurrect your dead marriage to a whole new life.  Before the affair, your marriage was ill, but it was at least still alive and the patient was fighting for life.  An affair can truly be a marriage-killing event, and even when someone tries to bring back their marriage from the brink, it's not enough to bring back the same old, sick marriage.  What HAS TO HAPPEN is that there needs to be a resurrection--an entirely new life.

How does someone do that?  Maybe you're a loyal spouse who has made the choice to stand for your family despite the awful things your disloyal spouse says or does.  Maybe your a disloyal spouse and you had the affair, but realizing it was wrong you ended it and told your loyal, and now they can't forgive you.  HOW does someone bring back a marriage "from the dead" and resurrect a new marriage, with new life and new hope?

Well to be honest, I could tell you some steps.  I could share some quizzes that would help you get to know yourself better and your spouse better.  I could use the quizzes as a way to open discussions about things like "actions you do that hurt me" or "actions you used to do that made me feel loved."  And all of those steps and quizzes *are* helpful in that you will benefit from knowing yourself and your spouse more thoroughly, and you will know how to verbalize what you think or feel. That can't hurt!  But there is so much more! What you really need is not "quizzes" or "steps," but really YOU need to change and be remade from the inside out. What you need is transformation by the renewing of your mind--and that begins and ends with Jesus Christ.

Today Christians around the world are celebrating Easter, but unlike all the commercials on TV, Easter is not about the Easter bunny, chocolate, or even delicious ham dinner with the family.  Easter is a day of new life and new hope. Why?  Well it's fairly simple.  Human beings are sinful ["For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," ~Romans 3:23 NIV 2011] and God is not; He is perfect holiness and righteousness.  No matter how much we may wish that God would put our "good stuff" on one side and our "bad stuff" on the other and then let us be with Him if our "good" outweighs our "bad"--that's wishful thinking and not the way it is. If there is even ONE thing on the "bad stuff" side, we're guilty--all of us.  Now, it's not for me to stand here and judge you, but look into your own heart.  Anyway, God gave Moses the Law (the 10 Commandments, etc.) not because He was saying, "Okay if you guys can do *this* why then you're good" but rather as a way of pointing out that we can't do it!  We need help!  The sacrifices were not a way for us to work our way into being good, but rather so we could see that our sin--our guilt--required blood-life as a stand-in.  Life-for-life.  And in those old days God promises that one day He would send one that would be THE sacrifice.  ["After he has suffered, he will see the light of life and be satisfied by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many, and he will bear their iniquities" ~Isaish 53:11]

While we were not worthy, guilty, and a mess, God looked at us and sent us a gift: Jesus Christ.  [" But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8]   Now Jesus was God and human at the same time, and while He was here on earth He did exactly what God told him to do.  He lived perfectly--obeying every law and having exactly the thoughts and actions that God wanted.  He was the only one who ever met that "perfection" requirement, and by doing so He had nothing to pay for--WE on the other hand, did have a penalty that we deserved, which was separation from God.  It's like we jumped into the sea of sinning and drowned in it, and we were dead.  Jesus was alive.  Jesus agreed to pay the penalty that we owed...and thus He was THE sacrifice that God had promised!    So there we are, drowned and dead, and we can't do anything to help ourselves or anything--we're DEAD.  But Jesus took our punishment and He took our death on himself--not only physical "dead body" death, but also spiritual "separation from God" death.  He knew it was coming and still allowed our guilt to be placed on Him, even though He was guiltless and alive. ["For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him." ~John 3:16-17]

The transforming, renewing, celebration of Easter is that He did die--but three days later He DEFEATED death and HE resurrected--came back to life.  When He came back, He not only was living new life but now He is pulling us out from being drowned in sin, and He breathes new life into us!  We were DEAD!  No hope to do anything but keep sinning and our situation was hopeless.  But now, we have hope and a choice to be new--brought back from the dead to new life in Christ.  We celebrate today, Easter, because Jesus did all that for us when we didn't deserve it, and today is the day He rose.  We remember.

If you really want a new marriage, you can do quizzes and take steps, but what you REALLY need is to breath new life into something DEAD!  In real life what you need is Jesus Christ to utterly change you and bring you alive again.  With that change, your mind will transformed and you will be NEW.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Now THAT's What I'm Talking 'Bout!

I saw an article today on -- a local TV station for the Dallas/Fort Worth, Texas area -- that announced something that I very strongly support: "Cheating debate going to Grapevine church."  Now my guess is that the diligent WFAA reporter meant to say "Cheating debate GOING TO OCCUR at Grapevine church"  or "The Cheating debate COMES to Grapevine church" (Grapevine is a little town in Texas) but if you read the article you'll see that the gist of the story is exactly what I personally believe The Church--the body of Christ--needs to do.  The pastor at Fellowship Church in Grapevine, Pastor Young, has invited Noel Biderman, to come to the church this Thursday and debate him!  "Who's Noel Biderman?" you ask?  Why he's the guy who runs the website AshleyMadison (and no--I will not link to it) and who has made millions by giving infidelity a platform.  

Now don't get me wrong--I know nothing about Fellowship Church, and I don't know their denomination or theology at all.  But I personally APPLAUD THEM for having the courage to get down in the trenches and say it out loud: adultery is occurring within The Church.  A true Believer in Christ might think: "Oh well that will never happen to us, we're Christians..." and yet it IS!  So rather than pretend that infidelity is not happening, and rather than turning a blind eye to the false beliefs that our country has about what Love is, they are facing it--HEAD ON!  Let's shine a light on the misinformation; bring the Truth to the light of day, and stop being ostriches with our heads in the ground.  

Biderman says (quoting here): "I think Pastor Young’s view of the world is that adultery is wrong ...My view of the world is that it is not that cut and dry. That it’s easy to sit there from a distant and judge someone as being straight or bad or wrong. And the person who was cheated on as a victim. I don’t think it’s that simple."  You know what?  Adultery IS wrong because God spoke through the Bible to say that it is wrong--thus it is!  What happens though is that one spouse acts harshly, ignores their responsibilities, or ignores their spouse and hurts them deeply...and rather than address THAT ISSUE and THAT SIN, the other spouse then makes a deliberate decision to respond with sin of their own, namely looking outside the marriage to have their needs met.  If your spouse does something wrong, that is not license for YOU to commit wrong!  A spouse absolutely IS responsible for their love-quenching/marriage-harming choices, and if we REALLY want to save marriages, let's teach spouses that the way to address a spouse who is bossy, who acts poorly, or who punishes by withholding sex or giving the cold shoulder  IS NOT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR!!  Let's shine the light of the truth on all the false assumptions our "society" makes and make it clear and obvious that the myths about adultery DON'T HOLD WATER!  Then let us teach couple How To Be Married.  

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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

30 Days of Me

I'm starting a new project over on Facebook--30 Days of Me.  The idea is to make an album and then post a picture every day to let people get to know you. I feel odd having people know me, and so to step out of my shell I'm giving this a try. Here's the challenge:

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for awhile.
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.
Day 04 - A picture of a habit you wish you didn’t have....
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.
Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.
Day 12 - A picture of something you love.
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.
Day 17 - A picture of someone that has made a huge impact on your life recently.
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.
Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.
Day 25 - A picture of your day.
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

Want to follow along and meet "The Affaircare Lady"? Come on over to my "30 Days of Me" photo album and while you're there on [Like] on the Affaircare page!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Thoughts on the eve of Valentines Day (day 13)

devotion is a choice a lover makes
allegiance to the one ambrosial
valentine throughout the passing years and through mistakes
intimately sharing personal
details of their heart, their mind, their all
honoring their paramour, their sweet
taking time to nurture thus the thrill
aspiring to become the one helpmeet
you turn to at the ending of each day
longing for a touch, a hug, a kiss
or just a glance or kindly word to say
"romeo had nothing close to this!"

Monday, January 31, 2011

Yep--Marriage is GOOD for you!

National Marriage Week is coming up quickly--February 7th to the 14th--and all across the world (literally) there are plans and celebrations to encourage many diverse groups to strengthen individual marriages, reduce the divorce rate, and build a stronger marriage culture, which in turn helps curtail poverty and benefits children.  So to prepare for the upcoming week and recognize the significance of marriage, I thought it would be fun to talk this week about making a case FOR marriage.  

In the news recently, marriage overall has been taking quite a beating.  There are scandals every day involving infidelity and bitter spouses divorcing.  Steve Harvey's wife claims his infidelity was "like rape to her."  There are studies released that supposedly say that up to 40% of Americans say marriage is "obsolete."  The media claims that other studies indicate that "Two women cheating with each other is okay!"  Church leaders are blaming Facebook for the rise in infidelity and saying their parishioners have to delete their account or leave the church (Thou Shalt Not Use Facebook).   Meanwhile the divorce rate is about 50% (which according to one comedienne is one of every two people--that means either you or your spouse--heehee).  

Here at Affaircare, though, we are strong advocates for marriage and time and again, studies have proven that there are serious benefits to being in a committed, faithful marriage relationship.  So to being thinking about National Marriage Week, here are just a few thoughts on why marriage IS relevant!

More and better sex
"Sexual activity is 25 percent to 300 percent greater for married couples versus the non-married, depending on age." -- Marriage and Sex, Discovery Health.  

In 2006, British researchers reviewed the sexual habits of men in 38 countries and found that in every country, married men have more sex. (See the Men's Health article)

About 40% of married people have sex twice a week, compared to 20-25% of single and cohabitating men and women. Over 40% of married women said their sex life was emotionally and physically satisfying, compared to about 30% of single women. For men, it’s 50% of married men are physically and emotionally contents versus 38% of cohabitating men.  Waite and Gallagher note that cohabitating couples are less likely to be sexually faithful. Faithful partners do not worry about sexually translated diseases, are more likely to work to improve their sexual relationship, and do not have to worry about sexual jealousy. (Waite and Gallagher, "The Case for Marriage" 2000)

More money
A Virginia Commonwealth University study found that married men earn 22 percent more than their similarly experienced but single colleagues.  (See the article in Men's Health magazine.)

Married men are more successful in work as well, getting promoted more often and receiving higher performance appraisals. They also miss work or arrive late less often (Kostiuk, P. & Follmann, D.A. “Learning Curves, Personal Characteristics, and Job Per­formance,” Journal of Labor Economics 1989; 7(2) 129-146,). As for women, white married women (without children) earn 4% more and black married women earn 10% more than their single peers (Waite, 1995). While some point out that house work for married women (37 hours per week) is greater than that of single women (25 hours), half of that is due to having children (South, S., & Spitze, G. (1994). Housework in marital and nonmarital households. american Sociological Review, 59, 327–347)

Longer Life
Married people live longer as well. Single men have mortality rates that are 250% higher than married men. Single women have mortality rates that are 50% higher than married women (Ross CE, Mirowsky J, Goldsteen K. (1990): The impact of the family on health: the decade in review. J Marriage Fam; 52:1059-78). Having a spouse can decrease your risk for dying from cancer as much as knocking ten years off your life. Single people spend longer in the hospital, and have a greater risk of dying after surgery (GOODWIN JS, HUNT WC, KEY CR AND SAMET J. (1987). The effect of marital status on stage, treatment and survival of cancer patients. J. Am. Med. Assoc., 258, 3125-3130.).

Based on life expectancies, nine of ten married men and women alive at age 48 are alive at 65, while only six of ten single men and eight of ten single women make it to 65. Married men may have better immune systems as well, either from support or from nagging to monitor blood pressure, cholesterol, weight, etc… and may be at less risk to catch colds (SOCIABILITY AND SUSCEPTIBILITY TO THE COMMON COLD)

For both men and women, marriage lengthens the life span. This benefit increases with the duration of the union. Married men live, on average, 10 years longer than nonmarried men, and married women live about four years longer than nonmarried women.(Waite and Gallagher) 

A UCLA study found that people in generally excellent health were 88 percent more likely to die over the 8-year study period if they were single.  (The Men's Health article is right here.) 

A new study finds that people who have never married have the highest risk of death in the United States, contrasting with other studies that have found the highest risk in divorced, separated or widowed populations. There are many reasons married people tend to be healthier, not the least of which is they tend to be wealthier. Published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, the new study finds that, compared with married people, people who are widowed are 40 percent more likely to die, people who are divorced or separated are 27 percent more likely to die, and people who have never married were 58 percent more likely to die. ( The Effects of Marriage on Health

More happiness
Married men are half as likely to commit suicide as single men, and one third as likely as divorced men.  Married people report lower levels of depression and distress, and 40% say they are very happy with their lives, compared to about 25% in single people. Married people were half as likely to say they were unhappy with their lives.(Smith, Mercy, and Conn, 1988 "Marital Status and the Risk of Suicide"). 

Overall, 40 percent of married people, compared with about a quarter of singles or cohabitors, say they are "very happy" with life in general. Married people are also only about half as likely as singles or cohabitors to say they are unhappy with their lives. This is not just an American phenomenon. One recent study by Steven Stack and J. Ross Eshleman (1998 "Marital Status and Happiness: A Comparative Analysis." Journal of Marriage and the Family. 60 (MAY): 527-536) of 17 developed nations found that "married persons have a significantly higher level of happiness than persons who are not married," even after controlling for gender, age, education, children, church attendance, financial satisfaction, and self-reported health. Further, "the strength of the association between being married and being happy is remarkably consistent across nations." 

In a paper called "I just want to get married- I don't care to who! Marriage, Life Satisfaction and Educational Differences in Australian Couples" doctoral candidate Shane Worner of Australian National  University reports that married people are happier than unmarried people, and men who marry educated women are happier than men who marry uneducated women.

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