End of the Year Fidelity Checkup--Part 2: Revive Your Marriage by Eliminating Angry Explosions!

In every marriage, there are two dynamics at work: actions and behaviors that are Love Kindlers and make the passion between the spouses grow, and actions and behaviors that are Love Extinguishers and usually hurt your spouse. This End of the Year Fidelity Checkup Series examines the Love Extinguishers to be sure that you are not doing the things in your marriage that leave your spouse wide open to an affair. The first Love Extinguisher in the series was "Leaving & Cleaving." The second in the series is “Angry Explosions.” Before a spouse can start doing the things that kindle love, they need to stop doing the things that extinguish love, and one of the most common love extinguishers is not learning how to deal with anger appropriately and then speaking to your spouse in a harsh, enraged, offending, irritable way.

Married couples have an arsenal of weapons they can use against their spouse; after all they know each other deeply and have spent time together getting to know each other. Some weapons can be relatively harmless such as “joking” while saying what you really think, or “teasing” each other while slipping a in a barb or two. Other weapons can be devastating emotionally, mentally or physically, ranging from calling derogatory names, to making threats, to committing domestic violence. An excellent article entitled “What is domestic Violence?” on Examiner.com, shows what can happen when Angry Explosions get out of hand and go to the extreme.

But why would people who love each other treat the one they love like this? As with most Love Extinguishers it begins subtly enough. At first, the two are completely “in love” and they do all kinds of things naturally to kindle each others love. They marry and are think they'll live “happily ever after” like in the movies—only real life sets in. He works long hours and when he comes home he's tired and doesn't want to talk like they used to—and she doesn't admire him and see a knight in shining armor anymore. Kids come and bills. She wears sweats all day and doesn't look nice when he's around, and he loses his job and doesn't help with the kids. They get frustrated with each other and start to be a little snappy. This causes pain and extinguishes the fire of love. In return often the couple will want to either hurt their spouse back or prove their spouse wrong, so then THEY commit a Love Extinguishertm. From there it is a downward spiral into verbal abuse, possibly domestic violence, and leaving your marriage WIDE OPEN to infidelity.

To see if you are leaving your marriage open to unfaithfulness due to Angry Explosions, open your heart and ask yourself, do you find yourself:

Ignoring, ridiculing, and criticizing your spouse consistently?
Manipulating your spouse's words?
Purposely humiliating your spouse? Or calling him/her names?
Accusing or blaming your spouse so you are justified in screaming?
Making your spouse feel unwanted and unloved? Or saying right out “Who would want you?”
Threatening to leave the family destitute? Or making other threats to get what you want?
Speaking in a raised volume, forcefully, for a long time?

If you can answer yes to any of these questions, please consider speaking to a professional or contacting me directly at coachcj@affaircare.com or coming to my website at www.affaircare.com. Don't let your marriage be vulnerable to an affair. There is hope!

End of the Year Fidelity Checkup--Part 1: Renew Your Marriage by Leaving & Cleaving!

(NOTE: This blog has a decidedly Christian message)

It's the end of the year and time for some introspection and analysis of the year gone by. On this blog we look specifically at marriage and at how to keep our marriages free from infidelity, so for part 1 of my series I'd like to begin at the beginning. Before a spouse can start doing the things that kindle love, they need to stop doing the things that extinguish love, and one of the most common love extinguishers is not leaving mom and dad and cleaving to your spouse.

The first time a husband is commanded to "leave and cleave" is Gen. 2:24 where the word in Hebrew for "leave" is ya·'a·zav- and the word we translate "cleave" is the Hebrew word ve·da·vak.

ya·'a·zav--this Hebrew word is a primitive root of the word that means "to loosen", and is translated abandon, deserted, failed, forsake, free, ignores, leave, leave behind, let it go, neglect, stopped, surely release, and withdrawn.

I think just from reading those definitions it fairly clear that we are commanded to actively loosen the ties with the family of origin. It is interesting to note that in Genesis, it's also a command that's aimed at husbands.

ve·da·vak--this Hebrew word is a primitive root of the word that means "to cling, cleave, keep close", and is translated cleaves, cling, closely pursued, clung, deeply attracted, fasten its grip, follow closely, held fast, hold, joined, joined together, overtake, pursued closely, remained steadfast, stay, stay close, stick, stick together.

Again just from these definitions I believe its fairly obvious that the idea is to be intimately close with your spouse and be of one mind and body.

I believe this commandment to "leave and cleave" is interesting for several reasons. It is aimed at the husbands, and I don't think that is meant to say wives are excluded from being joined with their husbands...just that the role of men and the role of women is different.

G*d grants authority, and with authority comes responsibility. He grants authority to a pastor to shepherd his congregation, and anyone who goes into that ministry bears the responsibility for those under his authority. He grants authority to a husband over his wife, and any husband bears the responsibility to lovingly nurture his wife. He father over his household and children, and any father bears the responsibility then his home and the provision of those in it. He has authority to "teach them up" and children are commanded to honor both of their parents.

If a young man marries, his wife is in a state of submission to him. Now, she may not know HOW to submit or want to, but this is her position--like a state of being. But how can a young man have authority over his wife and his own household if he is likewise under the authority of his father and mother? Would his wife then be in submission to his father? How about to his mother? Is she in submission to her father and mother still? No. G*d clears all this up for us. When a young man marries, he has instructions from G*d to perform an action and to indicate his status.

He is to put action into abandoning, forsaking, being free of, leaving behind, letting it go of, and releasing his father and his mother. A whole new authority is granted to him when he becomes a husband and a whole new family unit is started (with or without children). He is not supposed to sort of hope this happens one day...the word used is in a case that means he is to be active about this! At the same time, he is to understand that his RESPONSIBILITY is to closely pursue, deeply attract, hold fast to, be joined together with, remained steadfast to, and stay close with wife. This word is in a case like the wife's word for "submitting to her husband." It's not an action like a command to do something--it is a state of being. This verse says "Actively break the tie to your father and mother because you are in a state of being of close, intimate connection with your wife."

I believe this is aimed at men because they are the G*d-given authorities in their families. The husband is the one who sets the family. If he does not take actions to break the tie with his father and mother, if he keeps himself like a child under their authority or does not cut with them so he can join FULLY and DEEPLY with his own wife, then he sets his family for the harms that come with disobedience. I personally believe wives are not told this because we aren't the authority in our family. We can lovingly encourage our husbands to obey G*d in this but if he hardens his heart and will not, we are not the ones whom G*d will hold accountable. (Our job is to respect our husband, and for that we will be accountable.)

So at this End of the Year Fidelity Checkup, to the husbands I would ask if you are obeying G*d by actively loosening the ties to your father and mother and becoming of one mind and body with your bride? If you have not broken those ties yet, or worse if you are choosing your mom and dad over your wife, you are leaving your marriage WIDE OPEN to the temptations of infidelity. And wives, although this is a command to the husbands, that does not exclude you. You need to break the ties with mom and dad and steadfastly prefer your husband above all others. Start at the beginning and don't allow your families of origin to come between you and your spouse. This is a HUGE love extinguisher that leaves your spouse wide open to looking to someone else who will prefer them.

Is fidelity essential to a marriage?

In a recent interview with the German magazine Das Neue, Angelina Jolie shocked fans by saying “'I doubt that fidelity is absolutely essential for a relationship. It's worse to leave your partner and talk badly about him afterwards.” She also stated “Neither Brad nor I have ever claimed that living together means to be chained together. We make sure that we never restrict each other.” Blogs have speculated exactly what she means by these statements, but it brings up a good question. Is fidelity essential for a healthy marriage?

On the webpage for the U.S. Dept. of Human Services, Administration for Children and Families (http://www.acf.hhs.gov/healthymarriage/about/mission.html#background), it says that in 1996 Congress made the following findings: 1) Marriage is the foundation of a successful society; and 2) Marriage is an essential institution of a successful society which promotes the interests of children. Then they as a very interesting question. What is a “healthy marriage?” According to their definition:
* There are at least two characteristics that all healthy marriages have in common. First, they are mutually enriching, and second, both spouses have a deep respect for each other.
* It is a mutually satisfying relationship that is beneficial to the husband, wife and children (if present).
* It is a relationship that is committed to ongoing growth, the use of effective communication skills and the use of successful conflict management skills.

A government definition of a “healthy marriage” is not the most definitive, and most marriage experts would be even more precise, including such things as religious beliefs and societal mores. However, if we agree to even this broad-minded kind of definition, we can see that fidelity is essential to a marriage. Unfaithfulness does not benefit the loyal spouse, and study after study has indicated that the effect of a divorce on children being raised in a single-parent household is NOT beneficial--for example, see Wallerstein, Judith (1991). The Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Children: A Review. The Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.

Beyond this rather loose interpretation by the U.S. government, without getting into religious debate, marriage can also be considered as a legal contract. In a marriage, two people essentially reach an agreement together before witnesses and usually with a presiding official. The two people say their vows and make promises of certain things to each other. In western, Judeo-Christian civil vows, the couple often say things such as “I take you to be my wedded spouse. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.” Taking out the emotion and passion of a fancy dress, a tuxedo and a big reception, essentially marriage contract states before witnesses that the couple will stay together through the itemized circumstances of life, will love each other until one dies, and will covenant their fidelity! Thus, fidelity is essential to the maintenance of the contract, and infidelity breaks, nullifies, and negates the marital contract.

What do you think? Is fidelity essential? If you have questions about affairs or have been affected by infidelity, come to my website at www.affaircare.com for answers and help!