How to fight so your marriage is affair-free

Dear Hubby and I had an argument this week. It was on Monday and it was a fairly major disagreement primarily brought about because God's plan for marriage is for a husband and wife to commit to one another for a lifetime--not to have second spouses! Being a second spouse is trying at times, and impossibly difficult at others, because no matter how much the first spouse leaves, moves on, and claims to be done, there will always be some need for connection or communication (sometimes for the children, and sometimes over lingering legal matters). Anyway, the disagreement arose due to interference from one of our exes regarding preparing taxes. In short, the ex believes that they can claim a dependent when they do not support that dependent throughout the year.

The reason this argument was important, though, was not so much the subject matter. It's significance was primarily in that Dear Hubby and I rarely disagree; we are just so much alike and both so easy-going that if the other asks for something we usually go with it. Why not? In the big scheme of things we agree, at least in theory, on the big things: politics, religion, how things should run in the house, and who does what. :P It's significant because we often here couples say: "We fight all the time! He or she is so mean (spiteful, hateful, etc.)!! I can't take it and I'm thinking of leaving!" Fights can often easily turn into MAJOR, HUGE Love Extinguishers of angry explosions, disrespectful judging, blaming, name calling, and criticizing--even threatening the security of the marriage!

So how do two individualized people in a couple disagree without it becoming World War III and making their marriage vulnerable to an affair? Here are our rules:

1. Let the fight to be in private--Don't fight in front of kids, neighbors or boss. Fighting in front of the kids can emotionally harm them, and fighting in front of neighbors or boss does nothing but degrade and embarrass. Use self-control to contain yourself and speak privately.
2. Let the fight be respectful--Don't let the fight degenerate into a personal attack. Stay focused on the issue.
3. Let the fight be pertinent--Don't bring up old events or old arguments. Put boundaries around the issue you'll be discussing.
4. Let the fight be focused--Don't fuss and fume about the symptoms of the problem; tackle the problem. Transparently discuss the issue that's really bothering you.
5. Let the intensity of the fight be appropriate to the issue--Don't make every little disagreement an earth-shattering drama, nor threaten the stability of your commitment during each argument. Have a small discussion while the issue is small; and be firmly intense but loving for the larger issues.
6. Let the fight be solution-oriented--Have a goal in mind, request the solution you want, and work together to find a solution that you can both agree to enthusiastically.
7. Let there be a time limit--Don't let an argument stretch on forever leading into days or even weeks of spite, silence, or the cold shoulder.
8. Let your partner to retreat with dignity--Give them a way to apologize or joke and save some face. End the fight with resolution, forgiveness and acceptance.

Offline

Yesterday, about mid-day, the internet at our house died for no apparent reason. I was typing along on the internet, working away, when it started to run slower and then eventually disconnected altogether. We happen to be customers of a large, national company that provides phone, internet and cable TV services--on the occasion that company does a tweek here or a service thing there, and the internet has a little hiccup, so at first we just waited for service to come back. As a few minutes stretched into half an hour we knew it was more than a "blip" so we tried resetting the router in the house. That didn't work so we tried resetting the modem from the company...and that's when we saw it. The modem was getting a signal but it was not sending one out. Furthermore, when we turned it off to reset it, there had been three lights and now there were only two. Something was definitely wrong! Once we realized something was actually wrong, we decided to call the company for service. After all they can often do a few things over the phone and presto! Well...the phones could dial and we could hear them but they couldn't hear us. What in the world was going on?

Just so you know, we did finally figure out what happened--we had a huge power surge at the house. We called the company using a cell phone and managed to get through to have them do several diagnostics and walk us through a few things. Apparently the power surge took out a power supply, the company modem and affected our phones. We had to struggle through the night with no internet whatsoever, but in the morning the repairman came to the house to replace the company modem, we installed a new power supply and everything seems just fine. I was tickled to be able to be online today!

Being without the internet, we had to resort to connecting the old-school way: talking. We spent the night talking about ideas, writing articles, discussing concepts, reading the Bible and contemplating what it meant, reading a story that we're reading together, and even watching a movie with our son. But being without the internet taught me an important lesson. How often do we as lovers and parents sit at our computers at night and play a game or goof around on Facebook, and let hours pass by when we are not really connecting with our spouses or children? Last night we had ALL KINDS of time to be with each other, discuss ourselves and our feelings and our days, spend time with our children and read the Bible. Other nights it seems like we have so little time--yet it's the same 24 hours that we always have every day. What was the difference? No internet.

So I learned that like quicksand, the internet can suck a person in--even if they are sucked into working on a good cause! Slowly more and more time and attention is spent online: writing, talking, replying, even playing. Is the internet evil? No. But it's just another way that a couple can be distracted from their obligation to connect to their spouse, to be present for them, or to demonstrate loving actions. Yes the internet can be a tool to connect also but just a word for the wise--is the internet preventing you from spending time with your spouse? Could your marriage be weakened or vulnerable due to the internet? Build a strong, affair-free marriage by not allowing a communication tool to capture your time, energy and thoughts...and offer those instead to the one you love.

What we did for Marriage Week:

Today I have a very special gift for you all. Today the link for LOVEveryday: Thoughts on Loving Amidst the Chaos of Life is live! This book is the result of working collaboratively with some of the most wonderful people, all passionate about the sacredness of marriage. These people come with expertise in many different areas of life, and together we agree that a great marriage is so worth it...but it's not easy! Inspired by Seth Grodin's What Matters Now we wondered if we could do something like that for marriage. How exactly does one wake up and fall in love with the same person every day?

Here’s the impressive list of authors who contributed to LOVEveryday:

1. Dr. Michelle Gannon – Marriage Prep 101
2. Paul Byerly – The Generous Husband
3. Lori Byerly — The Generous Wife
4. Denee King – She Just Got Married
5. Corey Allan – The Simple Marriage
6. Toni & Alisa DiLorenzo – One Extraordinary Marriage
7. Stu Gray – The Marry Blogger
8. Dustin Riechmann – Engaged Marriage
9. Lori Lowe – Life Gems
10. Chelle Stein – It Might Be Love
11. Sheri Kruger – Zen Family Habits Serene Journey
12. Mandi Ehman – Organizing Your Way
13. Maureen Shaw – Feeling Flirty
14. Trudy Sargent – Love Talk
15. Isabella Mori – Change Therapy
16. Cindy J. Taylor – Affair Care
17. Alisa Bowman – Project Happily Ever After
18. J. Money – Budgets Are Sexy
19. Dan Miller – 48 Days
20. Damien Riley – DamienRiley.com
21. Samantha Mellen – Mama Notes
22. Pat Flynn – Smart Passive Income Blog
23. Kathleen Quiring – Project M
24. Jeff Nickles – My Super-Charged Life
25. Brad Chaffee – Enemy of Debt Logos4You.net
26. Nate Desmond – Practical Manliness
27. Carrie Burgan – Make Mine Happen

What YOU can do

Here’s what you need to do: Read LOVEveryday by clicking on this link. Then share it with EVERYONE you know by email, Twitter, Facebook, blogging, word-of-mouth and any other way you can. It’s totally free and we urge you to help us spread it around the world.

Please leave a comment below with your thoughts and share this e-book freely. I will leave a link to it in my sidebar as well, so you can send people here to Affaircare to find it if you prefer.

And if you are new here welcome! I invite you to sign-up for free updates via our RSS or newsletter and I’ll send you new posts whenever they’re posted for you to read at your convenience. You can also get connected via our page on Facebook or on Twitter.

Thank you again for your support of this project. Please do your best to LOVEveryday!

~*~ THE LINK HAS BEEN ADDED! TO DOWNLOAD THE E-BOOK, PLEASE CLICK ON THE PICTURE. AT THE SITE, IN THE TOP, LEFT CORNER PLEASE CLICK THE DOWNLOAD BUTTON! IT JUST THAT EASY! ~*~


This week is Marriage Week, and to kick off a week that focuses on having a marriage that is affair-free, I want to put the spotlight on a new resource that is arriving tomorrow--just in time for Valentine's Day! The resource is the new ebook "Love Everyday" -- a collaborative effort between 27 authors and bloggers who are passionate about marriage. Each brings an expertise and wisdom, and each has a tip on how to love your spouse every day to build a marriage that is amazing and affair-free.

When Stu Gray (The Marry Blogger) asked me to work with this noteworthy group of marriage experts, I was thrilled to even be considered. The team of writers make up an eclectic group including myself, trained psychologists and even budget specialists. Some are fairly well known--Dustin from "Engaged Marriage," Dr. Michelle from "Dr. Michelle Gannon" who's been quoted in magazines and tv, and even Dan Miller of "48 Days to the Work You Love." A wide variety of topics were assigned that address how to show love to your spouse all through the day...from the time the alarm clock goes off to the time your heads hit the pillows at night. And it's not just "Ten Nice Things...." or romance tips! The topics are specific, practical, and down to earth. How does a tired mom and dad find time for the children and time for themselves?
"Love Everyday" was written for the couple that want it all--not five or six years of passion that gradually dies, but a lifelong partnership of intimate love. "Love Everyday" will help you to focus on the Love Kindlers that stoked the flames of love when you met, and discover new ways to kindle an even hotter fire.

Tomorrow, "Love Everyday" will be available for download--just in time for Valentine's Day--for free. This post will be updated with a download link on the picture at the top of this article, and another link will be available to the right on the Affaircare sidebar. What a way to start off Marriage Week--but downloading a book to show love to your spouse all day long! I am so excited about this project and cannot wait to share the book with you. I consider myself blessed to be a part of this project!

The first week of February is significant

The first week of February is a very significant week for me personally. It was during this week, long ago, that my ex (husband at the time) left me for his other woman and moved to another state, and for a few weeks no one knew where he was. It was during this week that my own Dear Hubby's ex (wife at the time) left him and moved out so she could "be happy." It was during this week, years after my divorce, that I sent my Dear Hubby the first post and asked him what his username meant (he has a very unique username that he uses on forums and being a person who loves the meaning of names I had been puzzling over his for a while). And it was during this week, one year ago to be precise, that a man I look up to very much, my Dear Hubby's uncle, passed from life on this earth to life with God.

When my ex left, there was NO WAY that I could imagine that it would work out for good for me or the children. I mean, I know the verse that God works all things for good for those who are the called, according to His purpose... but how could a husband and father leaving his family and business and home and even STATE be used for GOOD? No way that I could envision! Those days were mostly dark for me, especially since he went to another state and no one really knew where he was--even his mom called and asked me if I'd heard from him. In those dark days I know for a fact I did grieve, but I also did two things that did work good out of this awful situation. First, I went to personal counseling and two support groups. I felt a little like a support-group-aholic (Is SA for Self-help-aholics Anonymous? Hi I'm Cindy and I'm addicted to therapy!) but it was so helpful to be with other women who were in my shoes...maybe a step or two ahead of me...and I could see that they were making it so I knew I would make it too. Second, I went to a forum that specialized in surviving affairs, and the site really helped me with direct steps I could take. People hung in there with me when I didn't listen...and didn't say "told you so" but gave advice what to do now. From that site I learned that there WERE people who helped others save their marriage and survive an affair. Even though it didn't work for me, I knew that it could work! The good that God worked in me was that I knew this was what I wanted to do for a living and I began to study to become a marriage coach.

When my Dear Hubby's ex left him, he was not like me. Yes, he was upset and hurt, but he had been trying to save their marriage since before he knew about the affair, and when he found proof he had some professional and peer advice to help along the way with how to deal with it. His ex was determined and refused to stop the affair or admit she was wrong, so she told him she was planning to move out (thinking she'd "have it all" with her other man), and she moved out in the first week of February. Seriously it would be untrue to say that it wasn't painful, but he knew it was coming and watched his wife choose to leave the marriage. The difference was that he had a little time to prepare, and he had the house and the kids as protected as possible. In his mind, he was going to spend the rest of his life as a single father, raising his children and not looking for love in his life. The phoenix that rose from the ashes of this destruction was that he had the tools to know how to be a GREAT husband...just no one to use those tools on!

Another fateful event in the first week of February. Years had gone by for me, and I had finished my training to be a marriage coach. I was still on the forum that had helped me so much, but this time I was the one doing the helping and it was wonderful. The kids and I were doing alright, and I was honestly enjoying single life except for one thing. I had enjoyed sharing my life with someone and really hoped that someday I could do it again--I just figured that it was unlikely since I was getting older, I didn't have a perfect body, and I had children. At the same time, Dear Hubby was on the same forum that I was and I knew of his existence but to be honest, I didn't even speak to men on the site (just to avoid even possibility of tempting someone). He spoke with men who came to the forum and had issues or questions, and I spoke with ladies. Yet a couple of his posts caught my eye and were really well-written and I admired his thoughts. Then I began to notice that he was a night owl like me, but still I didn't say anything to him directly. We were both writing on a thread about being late night owls (people talking about insomnia or just being late nighters) and finally one night, we were on at the same time. That night--the first week of February--I asked him what his name meant. Well, he told me and literally the rest is history! He may not have known it at the time, but he swept me off my feet with his wit and intelligence--he was (and still is) AMAZING!

Finally, one year ago this week, a man whom admire very much and whom I think of very highly passed from this life to the next. My Dear Hubby's uncle was one of the most excellent people I've ever met, and I've met a LOT of people! He worked hard his whole life to provide for his wife and children, and he was a loving father and grandfather. He literally delighted in his granddaughters--they were the joy of his life and the light of his days. He was a quiet man, in that he didn't say a lot out loud, but he spoke VOLUMES with his actions and with the few words he did speak. At family gatherings he would often sit back and let others yak away while he sat quietly, listening. Just when you thought he wasn't paying attention anymore, he would very softly make the most hilarious, witty comment ... or the wisest statement. While the women in the family would jibber away when something happened, he would take it in, think about it, and then when he spoke it was so obvious and wise it made me wonder, "Why didn't we see that?" But over and above all this, my Dear Hubby's uncle was a devoted husband to his wife. They met when they were young and that I know he never wavered from her once. Now I know that all marriages have their difficulties and are imperfect, so don't get me wrong, but he LOVED her every minute that he breathed. He made the choice to devote himself to her and only her, and by his life he demonstrated that a marriage can have ups and downs, difficulities and joys, but when the spouses work on loving each other, they can for a lifetime.

Yes, the first week of February is a very significant week. Thank you, God, for the things that took place this week.

Decisions

Recently I've been a little stymied on the blog and I just could not get a grasp of a topic that was relevant to affairs but something personal that I also wanted to write about. Now I've been a writer my whole life and I know that these "dry patches" happen so I knew life would drop a topic into my lap eventually. My Dear Hubby's ex actually dropped the topic for us.

My Dear Hubby and I have unusual relationships with our exes, I believe. We are in touch with them both and neither one of us has animosity toward our ex or toward our spouse's ex. Would we have made the life choices that they made? HECK NO! But people have to learn the way they have to learn, right? Anyway, yesterday my Dear Hubby had to be in touch with his ex about another topic, and she said something to this effect, "Boy I was a hard person to live with! How could you stand being with me?" and his answer was "I just decided to love you." BAM! There's the topic I've been waiting for (and hopefully the end of my dry spell). In one sentence my Dear Hubby was able to sum up years of what I've learned by studying marriages and affairs. It is a decision.

Unfortunately here in the USA we are inundated every day with the message that sex is love and that infidelity is a love affair. People search earnestly for "happiness" and "true love" and for most of their lives they are fed the wrong message. Our TV programs show tawdry sex in the afternoon soaps, and the evening shows like "Desperate Housewives" and "The Bachelor" show that love is an emotion or something you win by being catty and conniving! Staying faithful is a marriage is something to be laughed at in most of the sitcoms, and people are routinely portrayed as finding their soul mate and then living forever in the state of wedded infatuation and steamy hot passion. But it's not only TV that shows us these values. Everywhere you look, it's in magazines, in the news, and on the internet--even one christian forum I post on had to ask GoogleAds to stop the sex ads showing "Girls from (your city) want to have sex with you right now!" Furthermore, our celebrities (being human just like us) over and over again fall into the trap of infidelity, and their affair is portrayed as a "love affair"...as if two people met and fell so desperately and deeply in love they could not resist each other. That is the way affairs are idealized!

But after studying, investigating, researching and working with couples in troubled marriages for more than a decade, I have come to the conclusion that the messages that we are getting on TV, magazines, news and internet are just not true. Love is not sexual passion, nor is it a feeling or emotion that floods over you that you can't resist. Love is a decision. And being faithful is a decision.

When we marry, we contract with another person to be faithful to them and live with them through all that life offers for a lifetime--hopefully that's 50, 60 or even 70 years. I don't think there is any way to expect to be so passionately deeply in love for 70 years that you can't resist each other--and yet that's what people pursue! At some point over almost a century together, life is going to throw you some curves: health problems, lost jobs, moving across the country, death in the family, having a child. All these things are difficulties that can affect a marriage and make one or both of the partners "unhappy." So at some point love is a decision. You just DECIDE to love the person to whom you are married despite the fact you're not happy right this moment, or despite the fact they are not handling their family member's death so well. So love is not "chemistry" or that emotional feeling that overwhelms you when you feel intimately connected to someone. Love is a conscious, conscientious choice--a conclusion that you reach--a determination. True Love involves the mind.

In fact, just as my Dear Hubby did with his ex, you may even decide to love your spouse despite the fact that they aren't behaving in a particularly loving way! Just like True Love, being faithful is a conscientious choice. The difference between Love and being faithful is that when a person is faithful, they get to know them self and their personal weaknesses, and they put up hedges to protect their marriage and their spouse. Not only is there the decision to use will power and not stray, but also the decision to stop a temptation before it even hits you! And if a temptation does hit--there is the decision that it is more important to honor the commitment made to one person than it is to pursue "happiness" or that emotional feeling.

So we decide. And if we make a mistake and choose the wrong thing we decide again! We can decide to admit we were wrong and get back on the right track...and that's honorable and the way back to reconciling and recovering after an affair.

Lessons from history on how to get out of a recession of any kind--financial or marital

Yesterday I wrote on my Portland Infidelity Examiner page:"Save money by saving your marriage after infidelity" and it got me to thinking about this recession and our marriages. When the main breadwinner loses his/her job in a family, and prices go up, it's natural that there would be tensions in a marriage, and yet statistics indicate that whenever there is a recession, the divorce rate lowers. What can we learn from the generation that got out of The Great Depression about getting out of this recession and saving marriages? The Greatest Generation seemed to be willing to do something that most current citizens and politicians seem unwilling to do, and that's sacrifice.

Now this is not going to be a big "Rah! Rah! The military is great!" post, but rather a post about sacrifice: foregoing, abstaining, surrendering, releasing, letting go of, delaying gratification for the good of the future or the good of another. If that's not what love is all about, I don't know what is! Loving our spouse means that we forgo or surrender ourselves and our wants and our selfishness for the good of the one we love. To get out of the Great Depression, that generation willingly "did without," saved money, cut down on their expenses, put their noses to the grindstone and worked, kept within their budgets and rations, and any blood they could squeeze out of the turnip they didn't keep for themselves but used it for others--AND THE GOVERNMENT DID THE SAME! When the citizen was asked to tighten their belt, they didn't take the money and use it to expand spending and add programs. These qualities were exemplified over and over again in practical and personal ways. I know from personal experience that my Grandmother lived through the Depression, and she cooked in coffee pans, grew her own vegetables her whole life, and learned how to darn and repair her clothes. She recycled, reused and saved EVERYTHING decades before it was "cool" to do so. The Greatest Generation sacrificed for the good of the future and the nation.

This same principle that would pull our marriages out of a "marital recession" after an affair. If your marriage has been rocked by an affair, you can save it fro mthe brink of disaster by foregoing, abstaining, surrendering, releasing, letting go of, and delaying gratification for the good of the future or the good of spouse. Now I am not advocating becoming a doormat or sacrificing forever. Sacrificing for too long can lead to resentment and make your Taker stronger and stronger. No I mean foregoing what you need to offer to your spouse what they need. I mean abstaining from Love Extinguishers that are putting out the fire of love in your marriage. I mean surrendering "what you want" and thinking instead of the other person. I mean releasing your selfish desires and embracing selfless desires. I mean letting go of the bad spirits and pride in yourself, admitting the places where you were wrong, and working on yourself. I mean delaying the gratification of knowing "if there's hope" for the good of the future or the good of your spouse. You married your spouse until death parted you, and hopefully that 50 or 60 years or more! Even if you two do spend a few years wrestling with and growing from this affair--it's well worth a few years work for a 60 year investment!

Sacrifice. Tighten the belt and give for the good of the future. It will bring us out of the recession -and- it will save our marriages after an affair.